McDonald’s & Roaches Only Things That Would Survive the Apocalpyse
Just when you’re about to give up on the American public, there’s a glimmer of hope that makes you want to give them another chance. The fact that McDonald’s sales have gone down 2.2 % in the United States vs. .3% globally, means that, perhaps, there is some hope. Not that McDonald’s is taking it lying down. The first new thing they tried was coming out with a new, sexy, vaguely androgynous Hamburgler. Because what makes you think of eating at the Golden Arches more than a guy who looks like he could front a Duran Duran cover band?
Step number 2 in halting the decline is a line of upscale Sirloin burgers. I guess the phrase “know your brand” doesn’t apply here. People don’t go to Mickey D’s to get the same burger they could get for $12 at Hamburger Hamlet. They go to McDonald’s because of self-loathing and / or they just got a $200 speeding ticket and couldn’t afford to eat anywhere better. (OK, so maybe this happened to me.) They also go because they want to kill themselves slowly. It’s more dramatic that way. OK, so McDonald’s is 0 and 2. I’d be optimistic about them striking out, except I already know what they’re doing next and it’s a doozy. Fighting fair doesn’t even enter into the equation.
All day breakfast. That’s right, at some locations, you can get an Egg McMuffin any darn time you like. How many times have you been headed home after a walk of shame, pass a McD’s and thought, how much lower can I go? Let me eat some processed pork, eggs and cheese and find out only to find out you’ve made the mistake of coming in at 10:35 am, a whole 5 minutes after they traditionally stop serving “the most important meal of the day?” The true shame is that hack stand-up comedians will no longer have the whole “Why can’t I get a Sausage McMuffin at 10:32 in the a.m.?” chestnut to fall back on. It’s gonna be a rough road ahead for Sinbad but I predict he’ll come back stronger.
Let’s face it, saying McDonald’s is going down is like saying there’s no more morbidly obese people. If you think they’re on the verge of extinction, I suggest you visit the Mall of America in Minneapolis. Until that day comes, enjoy your Happy Meal and don’t forget to supersize.